Yes, this was a rant about personal experience. But sometimes, you know, writing is the only way to get the message out! Thanks for listening. End of rant.
Yearly Archives: 2016
Abandonment?
My publisher announced on Friday that it would close its figurative doors. They plan to remove all of our books from Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes and Noble. And in just 30 days. I will lose my “published author” status come June 1st. And you know what? I am heartbroken. There has been a ton of work that I, and my team, have put into my first book. Without much warning, all that work is going away. And somehow, I am losing my dream. I am angry and sad and depressed. I haven’t been talking much: just thinking and going through pro and con lists in my head, listening to “Rootless Tree” by Damien Rice over and over. Should I self-publish? Should I try again for another small publisher? Honestly, I have no idea.
I just want my dream back. I am disheartened that my dream could just be stripped away in a simple email. How could they do this to all of us? HOW?? But at the end of the day, I am a fighter. I have always been the girl who doesn’t give up. I can’t give up. I want this so badly. It hurts so much, but I have to fight for it. I won’t be happy in this life without writing and sharing that writing with the world.
So my decision is to be determined… please stay tuned. I will be back. No one can stop me. No one can abandon me. NEVER. I just need another facet.
Overheard in Los Angeles…
What have your overhead in your city? Anything worth writing down? Anything worth sharing? I would love to hear it.
Loss and Grief and Everything in Between
So I’ve moved onto grief. I didn’t really get a chance to mourn right after he died as I was exploring the wonderfulness that is Eastern Europe, but I didn’t forget to raise a toast to him and have a beer for him. Sure, the kind of beer I drink wouldn’t be his first choice, but it was symbolic nonetheless. I toasted to the perfect, diplomatic and loving Opa that he always was. I know that he loved me. And he knew that I loved him. But somehow, acknowledging that love just doesn’t seem like enough to move on. At least in this moment.
His obituary came out a few days ago and I bawled my eyes out. It was wonderfully written and right on point. I know that he led an amazing life. He had the love of many, many people. He will never be forgotten. Maybe knowing that will help me to move on. I know that I have to. I know that I can. But it’s just a matter of time. I need time. I need to process the loss and then grieve and do everything else in between.
Here’s to you, Opa, Aart De Jong. May you rest in peace and watch over all of us. We love you.
Go to the Ocean
What is a dream?
Your Catharsis
Count your lucky stars
However, this recovery has made me realize that even though I have medical issues that a twenty-five year old usually doesn’t have, I’m lucky that it’s not worse. It could be much, much worse. I won’t even go into that. So, as I sit on the couch watching endless dramas (watching a comedy requires smiling, which kills my mouth) and drink boring banana smoothies, I remember that my recovery is almost over (in total, about 4 weeks). And maybe I’ll have another problem sooner rather than later. But if I’m lucky enough to have to minimal medical issues in my life, I am lucky enough.
So count your lucky stars.
What is Ambition?
I consider myself to be ambitious. I have lofty personal goals I want to achieve. My dreams of becoming a notable and successful writer have been with me since age 11. That’s how I know these dreams are real. But for those girls (and boys) who’ve dreamed of being parents since age 11, does that mean that’s their ambition? Is that enough of an ambition? Can ambition just be about the thing you’ve always wanted? Or does ambition mean more… leaving a name for yourself in this world of 15-minute fame? I am really not sure…