I got to thinking about abandonment. Maybe this is a dramatic term for what has happened to me. But maybe it isn’t, after all, it’s how I feel. And should I deny my feelings?
My publisher announced on Friday that it would close its figurative doors. They plan to remove all of our books from Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes and Noble. And in just 30 days. I will lose my “published author” status come June 1st. And you know what? I am heartbroken. There has been a ton of work that I, and my team, have put into my first book. Without much warning, all that work is going away. And somehow, I am losing my dream. I am angry and sad and depressed. I haven’t been talking much: just thinking and going through pro and con lists in my head, listening to “Rootless Tree” by Damien Rice over and over. Should I self-publish? Should I try again for another small publisher? Honestly, I have no idea.
I just want my dream back. I am disheartened that my dream could just be stripped away in a simple email. How could they do this to all of us? HOW?? But at the end of the day, I am a fighter. I have always been the girl who doesn’t give up. I can’t give up. I want this so badly. It hurts so much, but I have to fight for it. I won’t be happy in this life without writing and sharing that writing with the world.
So my decision is to be determined… please stay tuned. I will be back. No one can stop me. No one can abandon me. NEVER. I just need another facet.
I got to thinking about eavesdropping. Well, you could call it listening, too. Maybe you could even call it people-watching, observing those around you. I recently overheard this on my commute in Los Angeles: “I learned that you can’t be a mirror to those people if you want to see your reflection.” I really liked this. It took me more than a moment to really understand what he meant, though. I still think it’s up to interpretation, too. But I think he meant that you can’t follow people if you want to discover yourself, be yourself. You must have a mind of your own. Do not follow those around you; you’ll never find yourself in doing that. You cannot be yourself if you mimic anyone else.
What have your overhead in your city? Anything worth writing down? Anything worth sharing? I would love to hear it.
I got to thinking about loss. I lost my Opa (Dutch for grandfather) just two weeks ago. He had been in and out of the hospital for two months for minor things. Those minor things were apparently not so minor. But now in the aftermath, I am heartbroken. I did get to say goodbye, but that’s never enough. Saying goodbye might lead to a sense of closure, but it’ll never repair that empty spot left in the heart. Does it ever close up?
So I’ve moved onto grief. I didn’t really get a chance to mourn right after he died as I was exploring the wonderfulness that is Eastern Europe, but I didn’t forget to raise a toast to him and have a beer for him. Sure, the kind of beer I drink wouldn’t be his first choice, but it was symbolic nonetheless. I toasted to the perfect, diplomatic and loving Opa that he always was. I know that he loved me. And he knew that I loved him. But somehow, acknowledging that love just doesn’t seem like enough to move on. At least in this moment.
His obituary came out a few days ago and I bawled my eyes out. It was wonderfully written and right on point. I know that he led an amazing life. He had the love of many, many people. He will never be forgotten. Maybe knowing that will help me to move on. I know that I have to. I know that I can. But it’s just a matter of time. I need time. I need to process the loss and then grieve and do everything else in between.
Here’s to you, Opa, Aart De Jong. May you rest in peace and watch over all of us. We love you.