I got to thinking about incessant worrying. I worry about everything. I worry about my cell phone not being charged for the duration of the day; I worry about my parents; I worry about my happiness and my sadness; I worry about how life will be ten years from now; I worry about if I’ll make a good parent; I worry about shark attacks; I worry about life. And I can’t stop. It’s like a disease. I have this need to fulfill everything instantly. And if I can’t, I worry. How does it stop? Can it stop? Will I let it stop?
I got to thinking about failure. We don’t like to talk about failure. We don’t like to solicit the things that don’t work out. But for the sake of honestly, I will. I recently didn’t get a job that I really wanted, and that I thought I would be good at. And you know what? I’m devastated. I feel like a failure. I feel like there are so many opportunities out there that seem so unattainable. But I won’t give up. This is just a stepping stone. I’m sad and confused and anxiety-ridden, but I won’t give up on finding the place for me. I can’t. I can’t go from failure to failure.
I got to thinking about college graduation. I graduate from college tomorrow. It’s so surreal; I still feel like the nervous freshman walking onto campus without any friends. But it’s bittersweet. Part of me is ready to move on, while the other part of me doesn’t want to let go. I’ve learned and I’ve grown in college, and for that, I will never be the same. I just need to remind myself that there is an exciting world outside of college. All I have to do is embrace it.
I got to thinking about hiding. We all hide behind something every day. Sometimes we hide behind our friends because it’s just too hard to branch out. Sometimes we hide behind our feelings, not wanting to admit that we’re dying inside. Sometimes we just hide our sad eyes behind sunglasses. And sometimes hiding is cathartic. But it’s certainly not cathartic when you’re hiding who you are. You don’t need to hide. You have to be who you are, let the world see your individuality and creativeness. Even if that means you have to do something unfavorable. You have to be yourself. If you aren’t, what else is there?
I got to thinking about being left out. That really hurts my feelings. You decided not to include me, like I was something that could be thrown to the wayside. Is that what you think of me? Is this how you see our friendship? And I never would’ve expected that from you. Maybe from her, but certainly not from you. I know that I should forgive you. Forgive and forget. But sometimes that doesn’t come easily. You broke my heart. And now I have to pick up the pieces. I hope you understand.