I got to thinking about spinning around and around and around. And around. Mind wandering. Breath heavy. Feet restless. Where do you go from here? Why can’t you stop? Where are you now? Will you cease this spinning around and around?
Do you find yourself spinning? Looking for more? Not having enough? I do. And I wish I could stop.
I got to thinking about keeping the peace. Keeping the peace anywhere… in your personal or professional life. At what point do you just have to sit back and not say anything? And does this mean that you have to compromise your morals, your beliefs, to keep the peace? Or should you always stand up for yourself, no matter the cost?
Should I keep the peace or stand up for myself?
I got to thinking about fighting yourself. I fight myself. I have internal battles, more often than I care to admit. Do you? Often? Not so often? Do you question things about yourself? Why am I so angry all the time? Why don’t I care what people think? Why can’t I just smile and not argue even if I know someone is dead wrong?
Do you hate yourself in times of strife, maybe even in times of happiness, worried that this person is shameful and maybe just a bit off? And why? Do you think you’re supposed to be a certain way because society, or even just those around you, tell you so?
What if everything you’ve been fighting within yourself is actually how you’re supposed to be? What if the person you know is actually the person you’re supposed to leave? What if you’re not supposed to fight these battles? Maybe these aren’t battles. Maybe this is you. Maybe you should just fight for YOU.
I got to thinking about being special. We grow up learning that we’re special. We’re unique. There’s no one else out there like us. Then we learn that that really just means we’re like everyone else. Isn’t everyone special, we think. We get complacent, we don’t fight for the things we really want… the things that actually make us special. We conform and act like the non-special adults who comply and never ask for more. But why? Where does that get us? A boring life we’re not impressed with? Does thinking we’re special really vilify us? Why can’t we think we’re special?
So I ask: Are you not an adult if you think you’re special? Are you a selfish child who thinks the world should be handed to him/her if you think this? Or, are you just working toward something that you consider tougher, more rewarding, and when you get it, you think that you’re special? You got everything you ever wanted… because you’re special, and also, lets be honest, quite hardworking and devoted. I choose to believe the latter.
I think I’m special. I am hardworking and devoted to my craft. I have to believe that I am special. It’s what gets me through life. And maybe that makes me less of an adult. But, honestly, I couldn’t care less. Be you. Be special, and achieve those things only “special” people can.
I got to thinking about magic. Do you believe in magic? Do you believe in miracles? Sure, most of my generation believes in the magic of “Harry Potter” and we’re all still waiting for our Hogwarts letters (I still consider myself to be a Slytherin nonetheless), but I don’t exactly mean that. I mean the kind of magic that exists every day, the miracles we read about online or hear about from friends. This kind of magic makes you believe in something greater than yourself. And isn’t that what we all want, what we’re all searching desperately for? What magical stories have you heard lately? What have you witnessed in your life that astounds you? Share it. Believe it. Keep it.
If you don’t believe in magic just yet… look at the stars. Just look up. Think about how small you are, how vast the universe is. And if you don’t believe in magic then, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe believing is innate. Those of us lucky enough to have that belief are certainly lucky enough.
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I got to thinking about anticipation. We have a vacation planned and just cannot wait one second longer for it to begin. We’re excited for [insert] and just cannot stand the suspense. And it’s an amazing feeling to be excited about something. It makes the clouds seem to slip away just a bit, as you’re just too excited! But… What if anticipation is better than life itself? Hear me out.
Sometimes I worry that my excitement for events, people, places is greater than the actual day(s) I’m supposed to be excited about. Is that normal? Am I doing something wrong? Do I let such an immense anticipation take over and forgot to actually enjoy whatever I’ve been looking forward to? Conversely, I would argue that maybe that’s okay. Maybe it’s good to anticipate things and that anticipation be better than the actual “thing.” We need to look forward to the future. Sometimes this helps us get through a troubling present, a tough day at work, or an obstacle we’re going through. Maybe we can enjoy the present with this anticipation, this giddy excitement. Do you think so?
I got to thinking about disappointment. More disappointment. It sometimes feels like life is a ride of disappointment, with a few waves of happiness sprinkled in there. Or maybe that’s just me being cynical again.
Recently, I’ve had to deal with more disappointment. And while I ultimately feel liberated and freed, it’s heartbreaking. I have to start over. Again. Part of me wants to give up and go to Plan B, even though Plan B is less than desirable. But the other part of me wants to try again. And again. Until I get what I want. I’ve never wanted anything more in my entire life than to be a true, published writer. My heart aches for it. I cannot let my heart break into a million pieces and give up. I cannot! I will not. Maybe this disappointment will lead me into a wave of happiness. I have to believe so. So here I go, into another journey forward, to hopefully find that my dreams can come true.