Where is home?

I got to thinking about home. Where is home for you? Is it where you grew up? Is it where you live now? Is it wherever your family lives? Are these the same for you? Or different? For me, home is sometimes where my husband I are. Sometimes, it is where I grew up. And I often feel conflicted between the places. I feel like I need this definitive answer and that’s that. But it is that simple?

Over time, as I think I have gotten older and wiser, I have learned that home should be where my heart is. Where am I happy the most? Sometimes that answer changes. Sometimes I wish for something different. But what I have found of the utmost importance is that home is happiness. As long as I am happy, I am home.

Think about it: Where is home?

Are some dreams too big?

I got to thinking about dreams. I have a lot of dreams. I want this and that and this and that. I want to make an impact in some way. I want to be tied to fame and make money. But most of all, I want to be a respected writer. I faced some rejection recently and am slowly picking myself back up. I am incredibly sad. But I know that rejection is part of any career, especially a career like writing. Of course, it doesn’t sting any less.

But this got me thinking about dreams being too big. Am I devoting myself to something that might never pan out? Of course it’s a risk. But is the effort I put in affecting everything else? Am I hurting those around me because of my intense fixation of being somebody, on being a writer? Is it too much? I am not thinking of quitting by any means. However, I do think that I need to take a step back and look at what I want. Is it money? Is it fame? Is it respect? And at what cost will I go to get these things? That is, if anything ever happens.

I keep thinking of Nick Foles. He never gave up. He almost did. And then he won a Super Bowl. He inspires me often. But maybe he was the exception, not the rule. Tons of us face rejection every single day. And some of us never get what we want. How do we know if we’re the exception? Will we ever know?

Are we simply dreaming too big?

Surround Yourself

I got to thinking about those in which we surround ourselves. I heard this quote recently: “Surround yourself with good people. And your life will be good.” Do you think that is true? If you have good people in your life, will there be happiness? I think this varies to a degree. At least sometimes. But overall, I find it to be true. I find that if you’re around those who are positive and happy, you’ll be positive and happy. Why wouldn’t you want to be happy? And are happy people good? I wouldn’t say that is always the case. But if you find someone who is happy and always cheering you on (and of course, it is a two-way street), then you’ve surrounded yourself with those who are good. At the end of the day, that’s all we need, and certainly all we want. Go out and find those people and never look back.

Resilience

I got to thinking about resilience. Society always says, “Kids are so resilient.” And maybe that is true. I couldn’t tell you either way. I hope it is true. But why don’t we say this about adults? Are adults not resilient? What if adults go through something horrific, do we, as society, not believe they’ll overcome it, too? Isn’t that cynical? Shouldn’t all of us be resilient? Or are adults too stuck in their ways to be resilient? Can we not change?

I was thinking about this because I was wondering about my own resilience. I think I could be more resilient. I think I tend to stray from change and from anything that will make me feel the stillness of trauma. Not that most of us want either. So I am slowly learning how to be resilient, how to not let things or people bother me. I can let go. I can release those feelings and be resilient. I don’t need the negativity; I simply need the control. It just takes time and practice. And maybe it doesn’t for kids. I am so envious of that. But discovering more and more about myself is what will get me there. In time.

The High Highs and the Low Lows

I got to thinking about the highs and lows of life. Why do we celebrate the highs and hide the lows? Are we afraid of the vulnerability? Are we afraid of being seen? I know that I am. I don’t want others to see the sadness, the hurt, the anger. Who would want that? But maybe that’s exactly what we should do.(I think this is why I am an Instagram-hating millennial… a rare breed!)

This year has been so interesting for me. I have celebrated several highs. But those fantastic highs have been coupled with disastrous lows. And it’s heartbreaking. We don’t talk about mental health enough. We don’t talk about the lows enough. So here I am. I have had lows this year, as well as life-changing highs. And I don’t think either are over yet. My mental health is a roller coaster, desperately searching for the steady track. And that’s okay. I am not afraid. Or, at least I try to not be afraid most days. We all have those lows. It’s okay. I am okay. Maybe today will be a high day, even if previous days have been low days. That is the hope. That is the goal.

I don’t deserve this

I recently heard this: “I don’t deserve this. But it’s happening anyway.” What a poignant, and fitting to my life, thing to say. Well, I mean, this could probably fit into most of our lives, right? There are so many things in life that we cannot control. We cannot control people either. Yet, things happen. People happen. Life happens. And we get upset. We cry. There’s some joy sprinkled in there, too. Hopefully.

Maybe we don’t deserve something that’s happening to us. But it happens. We have to learn how to deal with it, how to cope. Is that even possible sometimes? I am not sure. But it has to be. We can’t have everything work out perfectly all the time, right?

I am changing it: “I don’t deserve this. It’s happening, though. And I will deal with it how I see fit.”

What do you think?

Quote on Selfishness

I recently discovered this quote, thanks to a sub I follow in Reddit. And it’s so applicable to my life right now that it made me smile. Thanks, Oscar. 🙂

“Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. Selfishness is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” —Oscar Wilde

A poem I wrote in my MFA program

Control It!

Her slipper won’t fit. Her slipper won’t fit. THAT STUPID GLASS SHOE CANNOT FIT HER MANGY FEET. She’s locked in the attic—where she rightly belongs. Her slipper won’t fit. She won’t get out of those deadbolts. I know it. She’s with those disgusting mice. She’s locked away. She’s gone. I disposed of her raggedly hair and sooty body ever so humanely.

I have to control the narrative.

Anastasia and Drizella need everything there is in this disruptive world. They need it more than that blonde with a broom. We will be poverty-ridden without the prince. Where will we get our food? How will the farm carry on? The shoe has to fit those manly girls of mine. Either will do. Why can’t Anastasia have smaller feet? What is wrong with Drizella and her nails-on-a-chalkboard laugh? Why are they so bulky? Why is Cinderella so beautiful? I hate her delicate features. Those blue eyes! I hate her perfect waltz. She is not taking this from us. Never.

I have to control the narrative.

Thank You

I got to thinking about Thank Yous. What is your “thank you” policy? Do you say it aloud? Do you call someone? Text? Do you write a thank you card? Or maybe all of the above?

I always call and/or text. And I write a thank you card. And somehow, I am in the minority. It’s so odd! Is it old school to write and mail a card? It seems to be. In fact, I am the only person my age who does that. I have never–outside of wedding gifts–received a handwritten thank you card from someone under the age of 55. Why is this? Are thank you cards a dying art? If so, this makes me sad. I think it is wonderful–and the utmost grateful–to write a thank you note, as well as receive one.

What do you think?