I got to thinking about a change in personality. I think that happened to me. No, I’m not talking about bipolar disorder or multiple personalities. I am talking about one’s personality changing as they grow older. Let me explain.

As a kid, I was outgoing and gregarious, always ready to meet new friends. In fact, I met all the kids for my brother and me. I liked to perform Spice Girls songs and never missed a school talent show. I would definitely say I was an extrovert. There was no stage I didn’t love and I thrived being with others.

This changed after puberty. In fact, I attribute it to puberty. I will not be getting into that on here, as you’ll understand after reading this blog post. But something inside me changed. I started to withdraw from being the center of attention and finding friends became harder than ever. I enjoyed spending time alone (writing, reading, doing other introverted things) to time with friends and just people in general. Writing helped me express all that angst I was too afraid to say after my personality turned introverted. Hence, I am still a writer. And you know what? I am shy. I am okay with that, too.

What happened? Everything, really. But I’ve learned that we can change dramatically as we get older. And this doesn’t have to be a negative thing. It’s okay that I don’t flock to crowds and have trouble meeting people; it’s okay that I am shy and introverted. I get my energy from myself: writing, reading, listening to music, having a glass of wine with my boyfriend and/or family. This is me. And I won’t apologize for changing. I love myself. It took me years to fully recognize that I could love a different person, but I did. And you can, too. It’s okay to be introverted and shy. Just be yourself and be kind. Any change is okay in that.

I got to thinking about happiness. Where do you get happiness? Can you build it? Business Insider seems to think so. And I agree. For those of you who know my daily reading habits, Business Insider is close to the top of the list (that list also includes my guilty but completely legitimate pleasure that is Usmagazine.com). I haven’t always been Miss Happy, so I am constantly looking for ways to improve my mood, to be happy. And something in the article I read today really resonated: listen to a sad song. I do this constantly. If I feel down or even completely demolished, I listen to my emo music. Or sometimes angry music. And it works! It really, really works! It’s almost like it gives me the hope to feel better; things could be worse. And there are other people out there with me. I am certainly not alone and have every power in my being to slowly fall out of the sadness track that I am running on. At least that’s what I get from sad songs.

What do you get? Do you agree?

Here’s the link: http://www.businessinsider.com/simple-ways-to-improve-your-mood-according-to-psychologists

I got to thinking about marriage. Is marriage everything? Is your relationship not real if you’re not married? Is it any less loving, important or special without marriage? Sure, in the eyes of the law, it doesn’t matter. But I am not talking about the law; I am talking about public perception.

Recently I noticed that marriage seems to be more important to those around me than a committed, long-term relationship. It’s not even a level playing field. But why is this? Why can having a child out of wedlock be the norm these days, but God forbid, if you don’t get married (without children), you’re suddenly a barbarian? This thinking confuses and slightly angers me. I do not love my longtime boyfriend any less just because we aren’t married. We aren’t any less committed. So, please, stop saying that we are not. And stop forgoing any inclusion of “family” for us. This is real. This matters. Please acknowledge that.

Marriage isn’t everything. Relationships and love are everything.

I got to thinking about simple decisions… rather, what I think are simple decisions, but apparently aren’t simple for all of us. I was recently eavesdropping on an incredibly loud conversation that was disturbing was supposed-to-be-peaceful lunch hour. These two women were talking about making decisions. This led one of them to say: “I haven’t decorated my house yet because I can’t decide what I like. And I’ve lived there three years!”

What?! How can you not make a decision in three years?!

Honestly, though, I cannot understand this. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been a decision-maker, a rapid decision-maker. I don’t hesitate and know what I like and what I don’t like. That’s just me. So it truly baffles me to hear that someone hasn’t decorated their house in three years. How can you not decide what you like? Is making decisions quickly and knowing what you like innate? Is this about knowing yourself? Or is this just another example of pure avoidance? I really am not quite sure.

All I know… they gave me good fodder for my blog. But also disturbed my lunch. But maybe the former makes up for the latter. 🙂

I got to thinking about writing as a career. Of course, as you know, this is my dream. I want to make a living as a full-time writer. And I know that I will. I just have to be patient and continue to work my butt off. So this leads me to a thought about advice on making writing a career.

Before I started at Loyola Marymount University, I was told by a current screenwriting major that the major is wonderful, but if I could be happy doing anything else, do that instead. She basically told me to not be a writer if I could help it. And, naturally, I could not. But I was flabbergasted by her negativity. My parents called it realism, but as a dreamer, I found the statement negative and just completely discouraging. Why can’t writers offer encouragement in the path they’re seeking, too? Why do writers put other writers down? Is it a competition thing? Is it fear? Or is it realism? Are writers just naturally negative people?

I don’t really care what other writers, or other people, have said. I could be somewhat happy doing something else, but why would I? I want and love writing more than anything. And that counts for more than semi-poverty. I plan to make writing my career with my utmost being and hard work. I will not let others get in the way. And I will show that hard work and dedication is what will make you a success to other writers. I will offer encouragement. We could all use a little bit of encouragement, right? That’s what I would’ve wanted. And that’s what I’ll give.

I got to thinking about repetition. I am the “Queen” of repetition. Or I think of myself that way, at the very least. I watch the same TV shows and movies over and over. I like seeing things twice; I’ve been up and down the beautiful California coast several times and plan on visiting the most perfect city in the world, Paris, again. So what is this about? Am I sick? Just weird? Do I not have a firm handle on things? Maybe. But I also do not like things to end. Pure and simple. I have a hard time letting things go, and this repetitive nature I have garnered over the years has enabled me to not let go. I won’t let go. I can’t let go. I refuse! I like to experience things over and over because then it feels like those chapters, or episodes or plans or whatever it may be, aren’t over. I don’t like the ending; I like the beginning and the middle. There’s something so final about an end, and I have no intention of being a part of that. However, this is not to say that I won’t experience new things. I love going new places and being immersed in something unknown. But don’t ask me to give up what I’ve already seen. I won’t. At least not the things and places I’ve deemed important.

I got to thinking about support, support for those around us. It’s imperative to support those we love, to help them and encourage them in arduous and exciting processes all the same. But in my experience, support doesn’t always seem to go both ways. I am one of those people who truly believes that one should be treated the way they treat others. Thus, if you don’t treat me right, chances are I won’t treat you right (at least to an extent). Sure, this might seem petty, but it’s really about respect at the end of the day. Don’t you think you deserve respect? YOU DO! If you can’t or won’t support me, why should I support you? Support is a two-way street. You must treat people like you want to be treated.

Yes, this was a rant about personal experience. But sometimes, you know, writing is the only way to get the message out! Thanks for listening. End of rant.

I got to thinking about abandonment. Maybe this is a dramatic term for what has happened to me. But maybe it isn’t, after all, it’s how I feel. And should I deny my feelings?

My publisher announced on Friday that it would close its figurative doors. They plan to remove all of our books from Amazon, iTunes, and Barnes and Noble. And in just 30 days. I will lose my “published author” status come June 1st. And you know what? I am heartbroken. There has been a ton of work that I, and my team, have put into my first book. Without much warning, all that work is going away. And somehow, I am losing my dream. I am angry and sad and depressed. I haven’t been talking much: just thinking and going through pro and con lists in my head, listening to “Rootless Tree” by Damien Rice over and over. Should I self-publish? Should I try again for another small publisher? Honestly, I have no idea.

I just want my dream back. I am disheartened that my dream could just be stripped away in a simple email. How could they do this to all of us? HOW?? But at the end of the day, I am a fighter. I have always been the girl who doesn’t give up. I can’t give up. I want this so badly. It hurts so much, but I have to fight for it. I won’t be happy in this life without writing and sharing that writing with the world.

So my decision is to be determined… please stay tuned. I will be back. No one can stop me. No one can abandon me. NEVER. I just need another facet.

I got to thinking about eavesdropping. Well, you could call it listening, too. Maybe you could even call it people-watching, observing those around you. I recently overheard this on my commute in Los Angeles: “I learned that you can’t be a mirror to those people if you want to see your reflection.” I really liked this. It took me more than a moment to really understand what he meant, though. I still think it’s up to interpretation, too. But I think he meant that you can’t follow people if you want to discover yourself, be yourself. You must have a mind of your own. Do not follow those around you; you’ll never find yourself in doing that. You cannot be yourself if you mimic anyone else.

What have your overhead in your city? Anything worth writing down? Anything worth sharing? I would love to hear it.

I got to thinking about loss. I lost my Opa (Dutch for grandfather) just two weeks ago. He had been in and out of the hospital for two months for minor things. Those minor things were apparently not so minor. But now in the aftermath, I am heartbroken. I did get to say goodbye, but that’s never enough. Saying goodbye might lead to a sense of closure, but it’ll never repair that empty spot left in the heart. Does it ever close up?

So I’ve moved onto grief. I didn’t really get a chance to mourn right after he died as I was exploring the wonderfulness that is Eastern Europe, but I didn’t forget to raise a toast to him and have a beer for him. Sure, the kind of beer I drink wouldn’t be his first choice, but it was symbolic nonetheless. I toasted to the perfect, diplomatic and loving Opa that he always was. I know that he loved me. And he knew that I loved him. But somehow, acknowledging that love just doesn’t seem like enough to move on. At least in this moment.

His obituary came out a few days ago and I bawled my eyes out. It was wonderfully written and right on point. I know that he led an amazing life. He had the love of many, many people. He will never be forgotten. Maybe knowing that will help me to move on. I know that I have to. I know that I can. But it’s just a matter of time. I need time. I need to process the loss and then grieve and do everything else in between.

Here’s to you, Opa, Aart De Jong. May you rest in peace and watch over all of us. We love you.