I got to thinking about violation. Being violated changes your life. You cannot turn back. You cannot change what happened. When you’re violated, you lose part of yourself, a part of your soul that was naïve and free and safe from pain. You wonder when it’ll come back; you wonder if it’ll come back. But the worst part of violation is that it makes you look over your shoulder more often. You wonder when it’ll happen again. Nothing will ever be the same. Can you ever get any semblance of your old life back? I’m not sure yet. But I’m hopeful.

I got to thinking about my life. There will always be those who tell us what to do. There will always be those who explain to us what is wrong and what is right. So the question remains: should we listen? Or should we create our own idea of what’s wrong and what’s right? I think, in order to enter adulthood, we must create our own perception of the world. This may not be what we were taught all along, but this what we believe. And if we can admit that, we can do anything. And ultimately, that’s what counts in this life.

I got to thinking about getting out of our heads. All I want is to find an easier way to get out of my head… to find a safe place where my worries are the smallest decimals. How do I go about this? Do I merely tell myself to worry less? Can I tell someone who understands? Will anyone ever understand? Will you?

I got to thinking about drama. Do we secretly want drama in our lives’? Do we seek it out by picking fights with those we love? And why must we do this? I have learned that people will disappoint me. People can be unrealistic and flighty and unreliable. I have learned that people will give up on things that I’ll never fully understand. And this is when the fighting ensues. But before we can dismiss those people from our lives, we must be able to distinguish the difference between the fight and the drama. Do we fight because we want the drama? Or do we fight because we can’t be the one who’s wrong? We can’t ever understand others’ motives. But we can understand acceptance. And with that, the drama will subside.

I got to thinking about mistakes. We all have these ideas of living a perfect life. We have the perfect family, the right job, and the most beautiful house on the block. We live so precisely that no one sees us make mistakes. But that’s just it: if you look a little closer, even those whom you think lead perfect lives’ actually have flaws. We all make mistakes. But if we can learn from these mistakes, we’ll finally see that perfection is impossible and overrated. So be easier on yourself. That’s what will lead to the happy moments the outsiders consider to be perfect moments in time.

I got to thinking about my novel. I finished my first novel very recently. And I’ve never been more proud of myself. This novel is three-hundred pages of my opinions, my struggles, my passions, and my fears. It was an amazing and tumultuous journey through my never-boring experiences in college. The next step is finding someone to publish this piece of work I can fully call my own. Well, that, and writing the next book in the series.

I got to thinking about confessionals. There are confessionals told every day. We confess our love, we confess lies we’ve told, and we confess how scared we are about the future. Someone once told me: “Writing is making a public confession.” And it is. I write things that I feel, even if those around me have no idea I’ve felt that way. It’s liberating and spectacular. But do you know what the best part is? I get to be myself in every sense of the word. I don’t have to hide behind what’s right and wrong. Writing is my public confession. What’s yours?

I got to thinking about liabilities. A wise professor once said: “Even the things you think are liabilities are actually possibilities.” He went on to say that we must see the light in those things that seem to be clouded in the darkness. There is always possibility. Sometimes, I don’t agree with this. I’d like to say that I’ve figured out all the obstacles in this life. I’d like to say that I have faith that everything will work itself out. But I can’t. With that said, I do agree with my wise professor. We can see the silver lining by just exploring what else is out there. And of course, we must always have faith in ourselves in doing so. Our liabilities will work out. Even if it doesn’t seem like it sometimes.

I got to thinking about changing ourselves. Sometimes we feel that we must change ourselves to fit in. Sometimes we feel that we won’t be able to sustain a friendship or a relationship without being someone else. But we mustn’t feel that way. Being someone else is boring. We’re never more alive than when we are ourselves. We’ll never discover exactly who we are being someone else. And that, of course, would be quite a shame; finding out who we are is the most imperative, significant, and magical thing we can do. I’m never changing who I am. And you shouldn’t either.

I got to thinking about saving money. Every time I step into a mall (which is sparingly, since shopping isn’t necessarily my favorite thing, nor do I like the claustrophobia of malls), I wonder how much those around me are spending. Then I wonder, how much are these people saving? Whenever I drive through Malibu or on the infamous Mulholland Drive, I find myself wondering where these people got their money. Does anyone save in this day and age? Or has our culture become a spendthrift nation?

I consider myself to be cheap. In fact, I have anxiety spending money on anything other than groceries. Well, excluding Whole Foods; that’s really a luxury. I consider the price of everything. Is a new cardigan really necessary? How can I save money on tissues? Do I have to eat more than yogurt for lunch? Money worries me. I worry I won’t have enough; I worry I won’t be able to experience the world for a lack of funds. I haven’t figured this one out yet, unfortunately. Have you?