I got to thinking about relationship obstacles. Do you run away from problems? Do you wish there weren’t problems to begin with? You’re bound to come across ups and downs in any relationship. Nothing is perfect, but not everything is flawed. You must work through your problems with poise, knowing that these obstacles will only serve to make your relationship stronger. Peaks and valleys keep relationships fresh. You have to see the dark times in order to appreciate the good times.

I got to thinking about having all the answers. It’s a pain not having all the answers. It’s stressful not knowing what the next chapter of your life will be. It’s dreadful having to worry about the outcome of situations we cannot change, no matter how hard we try. When will we get the answers we want? Will we always get the answers we want? And when we don’t, how do we deal with that?

I got to thinking about losing friendships. There are friendships that last decades. There are friendships that last through college. There are friendships that last mere minutes. But they’re friendships, all the same. I’ve learned that we can’t hold everyone to the same standard. We won’t have all of our friendships last. We can’t save everything. But we also must understand how important it is to savor those friendships while they’re happening. We may not meet anyone like them ever again. Each friend can change our lives’. And that, of course, is the beautiful mystery of the beginning and end to every friendship…

I got to thinking about this quote. “Grief can destroy you — or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together. It was everything; it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” – Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

I got to thinking about violation. Being violated changes your life. You cannot turn back. You cannot change what happened. When you’re violated, you lose part of yourself, a part of your soul that was naïve and free and safe from pain. You wonder when it’ll come back; you wonder if it’ll come back. But the worst part of violation is that it makes you look over your shoulder more often. You wonder when it’ll happen again. Nothing will ever be the same. Can you ever get any semblance of your old life back? I’m not sure yet. But I’m hopeful.

I got to thinking about my life. There will always be those who tell us what to do. There will always be those who explain to us what is wrong and what is right. So the question remains: should we listen? Or should we create our own idea of what’s wrong and what’s right? I think, in order to enter adulthood, we must create our own perception of the world. This may not be what we were taught all along, but this what we believe. And if we can admit that, we can do anything. And ultimately, that’s what counts in this life.

I got to thinking about getting out of our heads. All I want is to find an easier way to get out of my head… to find a safe place where my worries are the smallest decimals. How do I go about this? Do I merely tell myself to worry less? Can I tell someone who understands? Will anyone ever understand? Will you?

I got to thinking about drama. Do we secretly want drama in our lives’? Do we seek it out by picking fights with those we love? And why must we do this? I have learned that people will disappoint me. People can be unrealistic and flighty and unreliable. I have learned that people will give up on things that I’ll never fully understand. And this is when the fighting ensues. But before we can dismiss those people from our lives, we must be able to distinguish the difference between the fight and the drama. Do we fight because we want the drama? Or do we fight because we can’t be the one who’s wrong? We can’t ever understand others’ motives. But we can understand acceptance. And with that, the drama will subside.

I got to thinking about mistakes. We all have these ideas of living a perfect life. We have the perfect family, the right job, and the most beautiful house on the block. We live so precisely that no one sees us make mistakes. But that’s just it: if you look a little closer, even those whom you think lead perfect lives’ actually have flaws. We all make mistakes. But if we can learn from these mistakes, we’ll finally see that perfection is impossible and overrated. So be easier on yourself. That’s what will lead to the happy moments the outsiders consider to be perfect moments in time.

I got to thinking about my novel. I finished my first novel very recently. And I’ve never been more proud of myself. This novel is three-hundred pages of my opinions, my struggles, my passions, and my fears. It was an amazing and tumultuous journey through my never-boring experiences in college. The next step is finding someone to publish this piece of work I can fully call my own. Well, that, and writing the next book in the series.